Welcome back to another week of healthy discussion on various kinks as these come up in my practice (and yes! Please feel free to request specific topics anytime).

This week, we are talking about Voyeurism. As most of you will work out from the name, it involves getting pleasure from watching sexually suggestive activities (or a state of undressing). Here’s the actual definition, though there are quite a few good articles out there you might enjoy such as this one.

Voyeurism: The act of getting aroused from watching people in a sexual context. It may be around nudity, sex, or the likes in a secret type way. Ie: watching porn does not constitute voyeurism, and it generally involves an element of real life “forbidden”. Voyeurism is a kink, however one may find it in the psychiatric section of sexual disorders (confronting if you’re one of them).

Let me reassure you though…. There is a distinction between liking to “view” sexual acts between consenting adults, and being unable to resist watching these acts, or watching people against their will. For a minority of people, this habit is not just arousing between closed doors, but rather, a genuine issue that brings on urges that are difficult to manage in everyday life (and if this is you, remember sex therapy can help!). For the purpose of this blog, I am NOT talking about the latter but the fun, kinky, under control and completely legal activity 🙂

Alright, now that the basics are out of the way, here is our usual ground rules and interview answers by kinksters in the community.

Ground rules

As we discussed in previous blogs, all fantasies, and that includes being a Voyeur, requires good communication. Make sure that you have asked permission. Yes, it may appear to defeat the purpose, but I’m afraid it’s the law. Ask them whether they would mind X Y Z, and once the boundaries are clear, go for it.

Make sure boundaries are clear. For instance, do not record or take photos without anyone’s permission as this is also highly illegal. Some people may agree, or even enjoy (read next week’s blog on Exhibitionism) being watched and putting on a show, so the question is not silly at all! But just make sure everyone is on the same page.

Be aware of the clear difference between the laymen’s term of Voyeurism used here for the purpose of this blog, and Voyeuristic Disorder which is not a kink that people can “enjoy” in the lifestyle on and off without issue. One is a term used loosely to describe liking watching others sexually, which the other one is a clinical term that require therapeutic support and may even be illegal. Here, we are using the loose term and not the clinical disorder!

As discussed above, for some people, being a voyeur is very fun, kinky, and a little bit of a spice in their sex life. For other people, it may seems a little out of control. Consider the kink in your case and ask yourself… Am I finding myself enjoying this safely with consenting adults, or am i finding myself watching people without them knowing in inappropriate settings (ie work, social activities etc). If you’re in control, in a completely consensual and legal realm, then, go for it! (and if not, seek support).

Interview with a Kinkster…

Thank you X for letting me interview you. Here are some interesting questions that came up:

1- Would you be comfortable describing what it feels like when you watch others sexually? How is it different from being involved yourself?

There’s an element of calmness in just watching… Like wondering if it’s allowed, forbidden, all without having to think too hard. Generally, when I watch, I’ve either just been sexual or will after, so physically speaking I don’t feel like I’m missing out. When I’m involved myself, I have to move, think and/or worry about my partner. When watching (always with consent), I can fully relax and focus on my feelings and sensations. There’s something different when I’m an observer. For instance, I can notice all the details and nuances in the interactions, things most people wouldn’t necessarily pay attention to in the moment, and yet, I do, and it’s exciting.

2- Do you ever feel left out just “watching”?

No, because as I said above, I know I will be either pleasured (with a partner or on my own) before or after so I’m not worried about that. The attraction is in seeing what unfolds and how humans respond to arousal, excitement, and the forbidden. When I watch, I enter in an unspoken contract; I am permitted by the participants to watch while respecting their boundaries, and I won’t be a participant. I’m sort of a fly on the wall, seeing something I wasn’t meant to….

3- Does it replace physical touch (receiving and giving)?

It’s different. It’s like saying does a massage, a hug, or a conversation replace sex. It doesn’t. It’s all very unique and all bring something special to the interaction. Generally, the people I watch, I’m not involved with, so I never expect to be touched by them in the first place. There are other people in my life I do touch or get touched by, and that’s as enjoyable.

4- What is your hottest Voyeur experience? 😍

Well…. I have a few cool ones, but this one was quite nice. I was chilling at the beach (a well known nudist beach) when a lady passed me. She smiled and said hello. I asked whether I could sit by her and she nodded. We chatted for a while and though she made it quite clear she wasn’t looking for a physical exchange with me, it was quite enjoyable. At some point, a younger male approach us. He was friendly and I suspect a friend of hers. They moved towards a sand dune, and based on the looks on their faces, I was allowed to follow. They nodded when I settled a few metres away, and began to make out. Before I knew what was happening, they were having sex. When I ask whether it was okay to touch myself, they said it was fine and continued, giving me small encouragements from time to time (eye contact) while they were getting deeper into each other (forgive the pun). Then, they finished, and so did I discreetly. We all said thank you to each other and went on our merry way. It was a great moment.

Thank you for reading and remember to ask me any topics to be added to the kink series. If you’d like to be interviewed, let me know as well 🙂

Dr Stephanie Azri

Couple counselling, couples therapy, sexology

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