As a kink positive therapist, I make no judgement on what path couples choose to take in their relationship. There is no right and wrong and those decisions are often based on a bunch of factors that change over the course of life. However, I do have an issue with a person or a couple naively thinking that they can just jump into a swinger’s lifestyle, a polyamorous relationship or anything of the kind without taking the time to properly engage in what this might look like now and in the future. Why?
Sadly, too many couples present in my office, drowned in the aftermath of what occurred without adequate planning and reflection, and while most things can be worked out, I can say that the work is much more difficult than it would have been if it had happened before one of both went off into the ENM wilderness without really processing it. If you’re not familiar with the world of kink, head over to the blog section of my site before you read on below.
Beginning the conversation
If you need a refresher on how to communicate with your partner, check out my books, articles, and podcasts on the matter, but in very short, here are the basics:
- Body language (are you aware of what body language you’re showing as you’re discussing the important topic? Angry? Happy? interested? Bored?)
- Tone (is the tone matching the vibe you’re needing to give?). Don’t be surprised if your spouse doesn’t feel like finishing the conversation is you’re screaming in the room as opposed to a calm and respectful tone which invites engagement
- Are you using active listening skills? This means literally listening, appearing interested in your partner’s side, even and especially if not the same as yours. It means asking curious questions, open ended questions (those are questions we can’t answer with a simple yes/no. AKA questions that invite content).
- Are you still hoping for one of you to win or are you open for both of you to get your points across and reaching a middle where you’re both “happy”.
- Are you in the right place, time, and head space to have the convo? ie it’s not idea to start this chat 30 minutes before work or your parents turning up or at 11pm with a massive headache 😉
What kind of questions are worth exploring?
Here are some sample questions to explore. Now, remember the key here is to explore, not to expect a yes/no answer. The idea being that you may get to a point where you discover yourself, understand the risks and benefits of such lifestyle, appreciate your partner’s experience and both feel validated and heard no matter your point of views may be.
- Why are you considering this to begin with? (what precipitated the idea)
- Any feelings about it? Feeling excited? Coerced? Threatened? Aroused?
- What are you hoping for in joining this lifestyle/opening our relationship overall?
- What are you seeking in the men/women invited to join your couple (age, looks, profession, fetishes etc)
- What are the pros and the cons of ENM for us?
- Have we explored the risks vs the benefits?
- Are you concerned about anything? If yes, what are you concerned about?
- How would we address things if they went wrong?
- What rules should we have? Boundaries? Natural consequences for breaching them?
- Should/will we debrief, and how, on each of our experiences?
- How would we select the third parties? Who makes the decisions (one of us, both of us)?
- How often would you like to play?
- Will we play together or apart?
- Will we tell each other about what we experienced on the night? Or would we rather not share?
- How will we manage the contact with those people (Group messenging? Exchanging numbers? Social media?)
- What if one person feels excluded/rejected/betrayed/lonely etc ? How would we like to address any negative emotions?
- Are we interested in social connections outside sex (ie dinners and meet and greets) or only sexual encounters?
- Are we allowed to change our minds and change the rules/boundaries as we go? If yes, how would we bring it up?
- What values are being challenged here? Can you articulate them to your spouse? (ie feminism, control, respect etc). Can you spouse work with them and respect them?
- Any trauma being challenged here? Can you articulate them while self-caring/self-advocating?
- How will we protect our time/our relationship? How will we prioritise our own growth/quality time?
- What if one of us gets attached to a third party? Is this ok/not ok? and how would we handle it?
- If you can’t talk to your spouse, who would you talk to?
In summary….
This is an important conversation and hopefully this article helps in clarifying a few things. Remember that should you struggle before, during, and after introducing kink or any Ethical Non-Monogamy suggestions in your relationship, reach out. I’m available to support you. YOU are worth it.
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