Kink is a term that refers to non-conventional sexual practices, concepts or fantasies that involve a certain power dynamic. Kink derives from the idea of a “bend” or a “twist” in one’s sexual behaviour, as opposed to “straight” or “vanilla” sexual norms.
In a world where monogamy is often the “only” right option for couples, kink lifestyles and sadly still for many LGBT folks, is still riddled with shame and anxiety.
As a sex positive, kink positive or kink affirming therapist (terms are often used interchangeably), I value and respect all relationships of all kinds. Some of the lovely kinksters who I work with include polyamorous dynamics, swingers, partners in ethical non- monogamous relationships, people in the BDSM community, people sharing fetishes and non-traditional fantasies.
That means that I am able and comfortable to talk about everything to do with conventional and non-conventional sex matters; from sexual positions to how to introduce kink as a topic with your partner, and through how to manage jealousy in swingers or polyamorous relationships. The idea is to choose a therapist who understands the lingo and whom you won’t need to teach what soft swap vs full swap is, nor what sub drop feelings are and all that without having an aneurysm 😉. In my work as a kink affirming therapist, I support people in navigating their relationships as single, couple, triads or more in a way that’s informed, non-judgmental, and positive.
Why is it important to find a therapist and/or a sexologist who understands, affirms and is positive about kink, especially if the relationship belongs in the kink lifestyle? Because a lot of therapists with conservative background or approach don’t generally get it that trust is more important than monogamy (Esther Perel).
In short, a Kink positive therapist would understand that there is distinction between sexual contact with a third party during a scene or a threesome/orgy/play party VS sexual contact that isn’t disclosed or strays from the original agreement.
Only a kink aware therapist would understand why a partner can still experience betrayal when their partner kissed/cuddled someone despite having slept with them twenty times before
Only a kink therapist would understand the importance of communication, boundaries, soft and hard limits, as well as how previous experiences and trauma may interfere. A conservative therapist would generally assume that your trauma triggers are a result of the kink lifestyle or participating in an orgy, while a kink positive therapist would know that despite your maladaptive schemas potentially coming through a post kink event, the event itself is not the reason nor does it mean you should avoid it.
Examples of kink positive situations I am working with successfully
- A triad (polyamorous couple) navigating parenting and marriage with different partners
- A partner wanting to try ethical non-monogamy and worried about bringing it up
- A couple engaging in swinging but struggling with jealousy
- LGBT issues and relationships
- A couple with a difficult sex life wanting to spice it up
- A partner who had an affair with a 3rd party post consensual threesome and the complicated betrayal which followed
- A gay partner feeling betrayed by their spouse who wont admit they are a couple to their family
- Partners wanting to increase their compersion (read my previous article on this if unfamiliar here)
- Partners with sexual trauma influencing their kink lifestyle or ideas of kink lifestyle one way or another
- A person inappropriately using BDSM as therapy to recover from abuse
- Disabled folks wanting to increase their sexual pleasure
Ready to discuss your kink specific issues?
Contact me for more information, visit the FAQ section, or my blog if you have any questions and wanting to learn more about kink
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